I have to admit to a bit of uneasiness in agreeing to write this column initially once Chris requested it. I think it is human nature that we all want to try and move past mistakes once we have fixed/gotten over, etc. whatever the appropriate word is here and when I first agreed to do this my first reaction was good gosh I have to relive ALL of this?

But you see I dated someone once who told me she had “never changed and was the same person she was in high school” and, on more than one occasion, I called her a boldfaced liar. Whether we admit it or not we are all a product of our experiences, and I would like to think that I am better professionally today than I was yesterday, last year, or even the year before by paying attention, soaking it in, owning mistakes, fixing them (or whatever is appropriate) and then moving forward.

Has it always moved forward the way I would have liked? Never in a million years and twice on Sunday, but there is an old cliché that time heals all wounds.  Time definitely does heal, and, well, we all need to be allowed the ability to “soldier on” after mistakes. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't unfortunately. So that being said, let me be the proverbial old warhorse and tell a few things here centered on some observations and thoughts along the way. These are from different things I have seen, done and learned for better or worse..if they don’t make sense..please let me know but these hover around some of the ones I talk about the most to colleagues or anyone asking for advice, and it may ramble a bit to, so bear with me, this is a bit of “stream of consciousness” if you will.

Grads, Grad School, students, and more

I think some of my early frustrations and challenges came as a result of my Master’s program and some poor decisions that I committed. I opted to speed through my Master’s program which, looking back on it, was supremely idiotic on my part. There were a lot of personal factors that played into that, but overall, I should have stopped to smell the roses just a bit and lean into my experience in the program a bit more if you will. But I didn’t. Looking back, I should have stayed in my program for two years as opposed to being out in 1 and a half (for all intents-it was two summers). Take your time, the jobs will be there and will be waiting..

Grads! Reach out and get involved regionally and/or nationally. I was not encouraged to do this in my program and I think honestly it hurt me initially. Our field is exceptionally small connectivity wise and it took me two years into the field to realize that. If you get out now you can begin building on those relationships while you are still technically “practicing” but getting that ring established early can definitely be a plus for you. 

An old Star Trek movie once included a line that said I am here to “learn all that is learnable”. I would submit to you that this applies for Student Affairs and higher ed work too. I have found that I tend to struggle when I get the idea that I have the “big head” or that I am the 100% expert on whatever the case may be.  Even us Ph.D’s, we still have stuff to learn.  We all have our moments where we get big on ourselves and our capabilities. It can be really humbling both from the receiving and supervising end to have to be dressed down or have to dress down over something along this line, I unfortunately have been on both ends-it’s not a pleasant place to be. I would suggest to you to work hard to avoid it.

Even the most innocent of intentions can often get us in trouble. I say that to tell you, watch your facebook profiles, watch your relationships with people, and watch what you say and do around others. I have moments when I probably say what I think and have to backtrack which happens to all of us, however, there is a tendency to take things way to seriously sometimes..Case in point-in moving to a new job a friend of mine and I learned we would be working in the same office. We were communicating via Facebook wall, nothing dramatic….or so we thought….A few days after the conversation concluded I received a call from my new boss. Students we would soon be working with had “facebook stalked” us and taken what we had said and made issue with the fact that we knew each other.

Easily solved by deleting the post, but the point is what you think is innocent another may not.  This happens with relationships as well as in technology.

While I can say unequivocally I have never had an inappropriate relationship with a student, I have made close friends with several of my students as I am sure many of you have as well. Perception unfortunately drives reality in a lot of cases.  One student who was eager to be involved and learn more, and who-at the time seemed like a good candidate for the profession-I hired in our office and pushed to get involved on a regional basis through some arenas as well. I also served as an advisor to her in several organizations.  Little did I know, the campus grapevine was hard at work and that student had become “my girlfriend” in truth, by association only. It was a disappointing experience because I think that pushed this student away from the profession but it was also a learning moment in how to manage relationships.

Set your boundaries with your relationships very carefully. Different people call for different boundaries and there really is not blanket/umbrella answer for this in the least.   

You will have to make judgement calls, every day. Some will center around relationships, some around job related tasks, and some around your own personal choices with regard to your behavior around students. Make the ones that best represent you and can be translated appropriately within your campus culture. Let me set the backstory for you-and I'll try and keep it as short as I can. I was escorting a delegation to a regional convention one time. We learned on the trip of the death of a student back at campus. The student killed, his first cousin, who he basically grew up with, was on the trip with us. During this time, another student on the trip learned that her parents had made the decision to pull a grandmother off of life sustaining medical care. While it took several hours to accomplish and make happen, the right decision was to get them on a plane and get them home. We were roughly 10 hours drive time away (and that would have put people on the road) as opposed to something akin to an hour in the air and a small amount of time in route home. At the end of all that I joined our delegation for dinner. I opted, to relax, have a drink at dinner that night. Thinking I could role model the right behavior I was very controlled with how I did it and how I approached it all and at least initially, everything seemed fine.

About a week later one of my male students who was a bit of a smart alleck anyway, came up to me in my office and laughingly said "Heard you got drunk in (fill in the blank city here) last week on the trip". Needless to say was not true, but that was how the campus "spin" machine got hold of it. I am not advocating to drink with your students, nor will I advocate to not do it. I see both sides..I just don't think it has black and white an issue has we sometimes try and make it out to be. You have to factor in your campus and your students and how it will all be taken in.

 I’ll end this piece with ask questions…Let me say that again, ask questions…

My first experiences with “being involved” in organizations, conferences  I was so freaking clueless it was laughable looking back on it. I think though the thing that hurt was I was intimidated/too nervous/didn’t know what to ask questions when I needed to the most and it was very challenging. Often I was playing behind the eight ball from what I was doing. As such, I don’t think I gave what I was capable of doing but I also think I built a bit of resentment too towards some of the “figures” that were leading those various groups (I have laid out of being involved for a couple of years) and that was wrong on my part. I didn’t know what questions to ask, they didn’t get that I didn’t know, and we just didn’t click. The value of age and I can say, to you first time get involvers out there-don’t be afraid to ask questions.  To all of our professional associations across the board, don’t be afraid to train and reach out either!!

More to come, I am not done yet J